I was reading a post about aftercare recently, and as I got to the comments I was shocked. The amount of people who think that aftercare is “only” for those who had a very rough, kinky play is very sad.
Aftercare is the support you need in order to feel safe and grounded again after you have had a new experience.
I know this is not the “official” definition, because it doesn’t say anything about aftercare comes after sex and that you need a partner to have it.
The reason for that is that aftercare is not only after you have had sex, and you don’t need a partner to receive aftercare, you can receive it from yourself or from somebody else who can provide you with what you need, to be sure that everybody is ok.
Why do you need aftercare?
Sometimes needing aftercare is obvious: you have physical bruises or you are intensely emotionally distraught. And plenty of times it is not obvious, maybe you don’t even know that you need aftercare.
When you experience intensity you need time to get back to your balanced self. When I say intensity, that can be “just” orgasms or disappointment, confusion, pain, frustration, bliss… So yes sometimes an orgasm or the lack of orgasm can cause the need for aftercare such as emotional distress or any intense emotional reaction.
If for example you are in a poly relationship maybe you need to reconnect to your partner again after he/she/they have been with somebody else. This is also an example of aftercare even though it wasn’t you who had sex. Maybe you don’t need aftercare after this, maybe you do. There is no golden rule other than having a need to feel safe, grounded and whole again in the present moment.
Reassurance, grounding, being present in the now are essential in order to feel safe again in a different reality. All those hormones and chemicals need to be readjusted.
What can be the right aftercare for you?
The optimal aftercare depends on what is making you feel safe and grounded, so it depends on your unique needs and on your experience. I have to add here that it is not necessarily the same thing every time.
Examples of aftercare:
Drinking some water is a must in order to rebalance your body.
Some people love and require some cuddling in order to calm down and feel safe, others need a bit of space in order to be able to centre themselves again.
Rubbing lotions like arnica can be perfect if you have some bruises.
Taking a shower together or alone can be a perfect way to arrive back and feel ready for the outside world again.
Weighted blankets can also be useful.
Talking about what you liked can be useful if both of you are ready and open to talk in a safe and reassuring way. Most people find that it suits them more to have a deeper, more comprehensive talk later about the experience when they are in a different Mindspace.
Journaling can be ideal not “only” to care about your need of expression in the moment, but it can helps you to be more conscious about what exactly happened inside of you, and you can come back to your experience later on, discover patterns and consciously choose new erotic journeys for yourself based on this true knowledge.
Check in and see what exactly you need and ask for it. If your partner has other needs it can be challenging to find the way that works for the both of you, so that you can feel met and connected.